God, since things got crazy this past February, I don't know if I've been close to You or distant from You. It's felt like both, all at the same time. So which is it? And that's the enigma--I'll never truly know the answer to that question. Perhaps living in that truth--in that enigma--is faith.
I trust that You are close to me. No matter how I or the people around me mess things up, I trust that You are close to me, to us.
That's my only hope.
God, please help me to never stop listening for Your voice. I'm seldom sure when You're speaking to me at the time, but I know You speak to me and guide me. Please, please God, never stop doing this!
Sunday, September 16, 2007
So Is This Faith?
From my June 20, 2007, journal entry (edited to protect the guilty):
Father, Clothe Me
Father, clothe me with Christ.
Clothe me with humility.
Clothe me with righteousness.
Clothe me with vocation, not just occupation.
Clothe me with friends and community.
Clothe me with purpose.
Father, clothe me with Christ so that I will not be ashamed.
Clothe me with humility.
Clothe me with righteousness.
Clothe me with vocation, not just occupation.
Clothe me with friends and community.
Clothe me with purpose.
Father, clothe me with Christ so that I will not be ashamed.
A Little Is Enough
In my previous post, I stated that I have very little.
I have a little money.
I have a new marriage.
I have some friends.
I have an education.
But right now, starting over in Chicago, this doesn't seem like much.
This morning, however, I thought about how often in the Bible God made something out of very little.
David slew a giant with a little stone.
The widow made a lot of cakes with a little oil and flour.
Jesus fed a huge crowd with a little fish and bread.
I guess with Christ...a little is enough.
I have a little money.
I have a new marriage.
I have some friends.
I have an education.
But right now, starting over in Chicago, this doesn't seem like much.
This morning, however, I thought about how often in the Bible God made something out of very little.
David slew a giant with a little stone.
The widow made a lot of cakes with a little oil and flour.
Jesus fed a huge crowd with a little fish and bread.
I guess with Christ...a little is enough.
Stripped Naked
In his book True Self/False Self, Basil Pennington writes that our false self is comprised of 1) what we do, 2) what we have, and 3) what people think of us.
I am unemployed, so I don't do anything.
I have very little.
People don't think about me all that much.
I am stripped naked.
That is scary. But it is also freeing.
This morning as I thought about being "stripped naked," I felt the need to be clothed.
Then, I thought about when the Bible talks about being "clothed with Christ."
I am buck naked and desperately in need of a new wardrobe. And I don't want to clothe myself. Whenever I attempt to do this, my prideful accoutrements always devolve into tattered rags.
I need Christ to clothe me.
I hope He schedules a fitting soon--it's getting a bit nippy.
I am unemployed, so I don't do anything.
I have very little.
People don't think about me all that much.
I am stripped naked.
That is scary. But it is also freeing.
This morning as I thought about being "stripped naked," I felt the need to be clothed.
Then, I thought about when the Bible talks about being "clothed with Christ."
I am buck naked and desperately in need of a new wardrobe. And I don't want to clothe myself. Whenever I attempt to do this, my prideful accoutrements always devolve into tattered rags.
I need Christ to clothe me.
I hope He schedules a fitting soon--it's getting a bit nippy.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Community as Sacrament???
As I recently mentioned, I've been thinking about such things as "church" and "community." As I got out of bed this morning, this question popped into my head: Is being a part of a "local church body" a sacrament?
I've never considered encountering the community of people at church as a sacrament. I mean, you have the sacrament of baptism and of communion (Catholics include some additional ones). But going to church--is that in itself a sacrament?
I was reading a book that referenced Thomas a Kempis' The Imitation of Christ. The way the author spoke, I sensed that reading this booked helped him such that more of Jesus got inside him. I liked that idea. And I ordered the book.
But this morning, as the craziness of life has begun to settle and I'm re-entering the sacred space, I see that I am spiritually "scattered." I've been in church detox for over three years now. This was a good and necessary season, and my relationship with God has grown stronger because of it. But, I feel scattered in a way I don't think I'm supposed to be.
And the question God gave me this morning to help me "chew" on this was: Is being a part of a local church body a sacrament?
The answer, I think, is yes...it is. The sacraments are all about marking the reality of the crazy fact that Jesus somehow "gets more in us." And by not being an active part of a "local church body," Jesus is not "in me" to the degree that He wants to be. Hence, the "scattered" feeling.
So, it appears I'm in transition time, yet again.
Jesus, thank you for your nearness to me through every season of life. Thank you for how you've pruned me during my time in church detox. But thank you for showing me how I now need to be in more active relationship within a local expression of your Body. Holy Spirit, please lead me and the missus to the place where we need to both be nourished and to nourish. Please help us "get more of Jesus inside us." Amen.
I've never considered encountering the community of people at church as a sacrament. I mean, you have the sacrament of baptism and of communion (Catholics include some additional ones). But going to church--is that in itself a sacrament?
I was reading a book that referenced Thomas a Kempis' The Imitation of Christ. The way the author spoke, I sensed that reading this booked helped him such that more of Jesus got inside him. I liked that idea. And I ordered the book.
But this morning, as the craziness of life has begun to settle and I'm re-entering the sacred space, I see that I am spiritually "scattered." I've been in church detox for over three years now. This was a good and necessary season, and my relationship with God has grown stronger because of it. But, I feel scattered in a way I don't think I'm supposed to be.
And the question God gave me this morning to help me "chew" on this was: Is being a part of a local church body a sacrament?
The answer, I think, is yes...it is. The sacraments are all about marking the reality of the crazy fact that Jesus somehow "gets more in us." And by not being an active part of a "local church body," Jesus is not "in me" to the degree that He wants to be. Hence, the "scattered" feeling.
So, it appears I'm in transition time, yet again.
Jesus, thank you for your nearness to me through every season of life. Thank you for how you've pruned me during my time in church detox. But thank you for showing me how I now need to be in more active relationship within a local expression of your Body. Holy Spirit, please lead me and the missus to the place where we need to both be nourished and to nourish. Please help us "get more of Jesus inside us." Amen.
Community, Shcommunity...
Community. What a rich word. It conjures up thoughts of meaty connection and interaction with other people--relationship that is deep and true. And how incredibly elusive it is for me! This drives me nuts!!!
Of course, wise ones say that those who seek so hard after community are the ones who never can find it. And that would be me.
The wise ones also say that if you can't find the community after which you seek, you possibly are being called to create a new brand of community. But quite honestly, that idea has always intimidated the hell out me! That, and I simply have no idea how to do it.
As a Christian, to me "community" equals "church." Of course, I have come to realize that church isn't something you "go to" or "do"; you can only "be" the church. I sense that the same is true of community. It's not a matter of "finding" but instead of "being" community.
The missus and I are learning to "be" with one another, and I like it. We "are" community, I think. But we both want to share ourselves with others--to expand our community.
We've been attending a wonderful Catholic Mass on Sunday evenings. The singing is sweet, the building is beautiful, and the homilies are short and generally very pithy. But one thing is lacking: we never have a sense of community. Hell, during the Our Father, no one holds hands--even if you offer! And of course, since the missus and I aren't Catholic, we don't partake of the Eucharist. So, we always leave feeling a little flat.
We considered taking the RCIA class so that we could "join" the Catholic church, but when we gave it some more thought, we resented the idea that we would have to agree to uphold various beliefs to which we simply don't adhere. Integrity can be such a pesky thing.
Last week, I came across a blog of a local church here that is comprised of three pastors from three different denominations: American Baptist, Episcopal, and Evangelical Covenant. Intriguing.
It always has ticked me off that in order to "join" a church and experience its community, I have to align myself with a portion of the Body of Christ, and in doing so simultaneously align myself against other significant portions of that same Body. This is blooming ludicrous!!!
Perhaps we'll find a solution at the Church of the Holy Amalgamation.
Of course, wise ones say that those who seek so hard after community are the ones who never can find it. And that would be me.
The wise ones also say that if you can't find the community after which you seek, you possibly are being called to create a new brand of community. But quite honestly, that idea has always intimidated the hell out me! That, and I simply have no idea how to do it.
As a Christian, to me "community" equals "church." Of course, I have come to realize that church isn't something you "go to" or "do"; you can only "be" the church. I sense that the same is true of community. It's not a matter of "finding" but instead of "being" community.
The missus and I are learning to "be" with one another, and I like it. We "are" community, I think. But we both want to share ourselves with others--to expand our community.
We've been attending a wonderful Catholic Mass on Sunday evenings. The singing is sweet, the building is beautiful, and the homilies are short and generally very pithy. But one thing is lacking: we never have a sense of community. Hell, during the Our Father, no one holds hands--even if you offer! And of course, since the missus and I aren't Catholic, we don't partake of the Eucharist. So, we always leave feeling a little flat.
We considered taking the RCIA class so that we could "join" the Catholic church, but when we gave it some more thought, we resented the idea that we would have to agree to uphold various beliefs to which we simply don't adhere. Integrity can be such a pesky thing.
Last week, I came across a blog of a local church here that is comprised of three pastors from three different denominations: American Baptist, Episcopal, and Evangelical Covenant. Intriguing.
It always has ticked me off that in order to "join" a church and experience its community, I have to align myself with a portion of the Body of Christ, and in doing so simultaneously align myself against other significant portions of that same Body. This is blooming ludicrous!!!
Perhaps we'll find a solution at the Church of the Holy Amalgamation.
It's Been A While
As a contemplative, it seems life is either/or: either I live a life of contemplation or a life of action. It's hard for me to do both at the same time, which is the whole point of being a contemplative in the first place. OK--so I have room to grow.
Well, the last few months have been nothing but action, action, action!
A synopsis:
Feb. 2007: Boss' off-balance mental state got to be a bit too much, the powers that be were very understanding but not very helpful, and I resigned. My own mental state was saved.
I decided to explore returning to Chicago and called up a wonderful couple in Evanston who agreed to host me for a while. Girlfriend approved. The idea was that I would go up to Chicago, get "established," and we would marry back in OKC in October.
Apr. 2007: Was hired to work at a ministry in Chicago that I adored when I had previously lived here. Within two days, saw that the culture of the inner workings and I were not a fit. Stuck it out for two months; couldn't make it fit. This is what the missus and I call a "false start," and that's OK.
Missed girlfriend immensely, proposed over the phone (OK--so I'm not a creative contemplative) that we move the date up to June. She liked the idea.
June 2007: Traveled back to OKC, got married, loaded up the truck, and we moved to the Ravenswood/Lincoln Square area of Chicago. Love it, love it, love it!!!
July 2007: Spent a couple of weeks fixing up our place then started looking for jobs.
Sept. 2007: The missus started her job, allowing us to breath a little easier! I'm still looking.
As I said, this is just a synopsis; a million little details have been left out. But suffice it to say, I have not been very contemplative of late!
But I sense that is changing. With the wife out working all day, for the first time in several months, I have space. Not emptiness, mind you. But space. Sacred space.
During all the busyness, I sometimes worried about my not "sensing" God. But I always knew God was there. We have way too much history between us for me to have ever asked the question, "God, have you abandoned me!?!" I knew he was there. And, I knew that He knew that I knew He was there. And for the time being, that was enough.
That "knowing" between us was really all that we shared since February of this year (7 months!): no Bible reading, very little church-going, no other reading (except of online news, of course!). And that was OK. He's OK, and I'm OK. And that is wonderful!!!
But now, the activity has died down, and the sacred space has returned. The fall air is cool; I can be still and breathe deeply. I feel like I've been swept up in a tornado, tossed to and fro, and now gently placed in a calm meadow.
Well, the last few months have been nothing but action, action, action!
A synopsis:
Feb. 2007: Boss' off-balance mental state got to be a bit too much, the powers that be were very understanding but not very helpful, and I resigned. My own mental state was saved.
I decided to explore returning to Chicago and called up a wonderful couple in Evanston who agreed to host me for a while. Girlfriend approved. The idea was that I would go up to Chicago, get "established," and we would marry back in OKC in October.
Apr. 2007: Was hired to work at a ministry in Chicago that I adored when I had previously lived here. Within two days, saw that the culture of the inner workings and I were not a fit. Stuck it out for two months; couldn't make it fit. This is what the missus and I call a "false start," and that's OK.
Missed girlfriend immensely, proposed over the phone (OK--so I'm not a creative contemplative) that we move the date up to June. She liked the idea.
June 2007: Traveled back to OKC, got married, loaded up the truck, and we moved to the Ravenswood/Lincoln Square area of Chicago. Love it, love it, love it!!!
July 2007: Spent a couple of weeks fixing up our place then started looking for jobs.
Sept. 2007: The missus started her job, allowing us to breath a little easier! I'm still looking.
As I said, this is just a synopsis; a million little details have been left out. But suffice it to say, I have not been very contemplative of late!
But I sense that is changing. With the wife out working all day, for the first time in several months, I have space. Not emptiness, mind you. But space. Sacred space.
During all the busyness, I sometimes worried about my not "sensing" God. But I always knew God was there. We have way too much history between us for me to have ever asked the question, "God, have you abandoned me!?!" I knew he was there. And, I knew that He knew that I knew He was there. And for the time being, that was enough.
That "knowing" between us was really all that we shared since February of this year (7 months!): no Bible reading, very little church-going, no other reading (except of online news, of course!). And that was OK. He's OK, and I'm OK. And that is wonderful!!!
But now, the activity has died down, and the sacred space has returned. The fall air is cool; I can be still and breathe deeply. I feel like I've been swept up in a tornado, tossed to and fro, and now gently placed in a calm meadow.
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